desperate

when was the last time you were desperate for something? you wanted it so bad and almost felt that if you didn't have this something you couldn't survive without it. sometimes for us that can be a person, a material item, food, money, etc. sometimes we miss someone and believe our life won't be the same without them. occassionally we want an item and feel our life is missing something and would be so much better if we had it. or maybe you feel that if you had more money you'd be much better off. when was the last time you were that desperate for God?

have you ever been so desperate for God that your seeking to find him in every moment and crying out to him to be near you. not just the, "yeah God, your in my heart" kind of way, but more of, "God I NEED to feel you with me today" kind of way. the key word is need. that's real desperation. i've had seasons of life, and i'm sure you have to, where you needed God. your whole day was spent seeking him in everything, clinging to him because of circumstances in your life that were beating you down. in every moment you wanted to find him anywhere you could. what an awesome place to be.

but why can't we be that way all the time? why is it that in the good times of our lives, when everything's going smooth and we're loving everything about our situation that we turn to him less? or maybe, when those moments of good pass into dark times in our life we turn away from God. we shut him off and blame him angrily for what's going on in our life. honestly, this has been me lately. i've tried to shut God out of my life due to hard times, thinking immaturely how could the God who created everything let these things happen? i've given so much to him yet he lets things like this happen? truth is he didn't and i know it. this world is full of evil and fallen. we're the culprits of sin not God and the fallout of sin often results in dark times. whether or not our sin directly caused our circumstances doesn't matter when we're all sinners and the cause of this awful mess of a world.

the amazing thing is that for me, through all of the darkness in my life lately, i've felt him or seen him or heard him trying to get my attention. he's trying to open up the doors to my heart and reveal to me his love but i slam them shut. how undeserving of him i am but yet he doesn't give up on me. he's never given up on any of us from the beginning of time. he never gave up on the israelites, he sent his son Jesus to die for us because he wasn't going to give up on us. and even now, when our world is beating us down, he won't give up on us because he loves us. the proof is there, we just have to remember it when we're going through the valley.

in concluding, the last couple of weeks have been some of the lowest and highest times of my life, pure hell, surrounded by uncertainty, heartbreak, and loss. moments of newness, where i had no idea what to do but to pray and depend on him. but when they were over the bitterness crept in. i hate that i've tried to shut him off, i hate that i've hurt him when he's been the only friend there for me, the only one who's love can satisfy. he is the one i want to be desperate for because he has never let me down, and never will. his love is better than life, and i always want to be desperate for that.